Day 7: Take - Allow
An essential dynamic of the Wheel of Consent is the Take-Allow quadrants. It is also one of the most important contributions of the Wheel of Consent in consent conversations, relationships, and all situations involving touch.
The Take – Allow quadrants are vulnerable, and in the shadow of Take we have assault, groping, and abuse. My kids should explore this at home and outside sexual settings because it is a learning process, and they will make mistakes.
To practice take-Allow helps our children notice what they want, notice what they don't want, and communicate it. It also allows them to explore relationships and how all interactions are affected by power and privilege. We parents and other caretakers of children need to remind ourselves of the power we have over our kids. Especially in the Take quadrant.
So today I asked my daughter questions about what I could do with her (Take). We didn't do anything, we just asked, and she felt into what she was willing to do with me. (Allow) I ask her if I can pinch her nose, and she asks if she can pinch mine. My son, who until now stood by my side listening, jumps in to pinch my nose with his little 5-year old fingers...hard. I scream and we laugh.
Was it wrong? We would love for it to be as simple as yes – no and "always ask first." But making agreements is a lot more complicated than this. Technically, he didn't do it the way we teach consent and communication basics. But I saw it coming, and he knows he has quite a margin to play with me, and the naughtiness of this is something we both appreciate.
Consent is not black and white. With people we love, we aren't always asking about everything before we touch them. It also gets too serious if words are the only accepted consent indicator or always required. As a language teacher, I'm passionate about consent language and the importance of language. As a bodyworker, I am equally passionate about body language. It's beautiful to have practices in which we combine them. We need both. 💖
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