Day 12: “I Want it All. I Want it All. I Want it All. And I Want it Now." – Queen (and mySon:)
My 5-year-old acts as if everything is coming to an end if he doesn't get what he wants. He wants the same cool nerf gun that his older cousins have and a billion other things. “No” or “Maybe” don’t do it for him. He wakes up in the middle of the night, arguing about it.
Learning how to receive a no takes time. Learning to know when to put yourself aside and when not to is a lifelong process. Back in the old days, it was easier to make children obey. Spank them, punish them, and use your power as a parent to threaten them.
There is a shift in the world around children and choice. Our children must indeed listen and obey sometimes. "Don't run off into the street." "Don't take drugs." In other situations, it is a matter of one person's need against another. More choice means more discussions, which can be exhausting and challenging. Sometimes parents set a limit, "I don't have the energy to let you choose today; you have to do what I say." We are the leaders of the family. Living in a truly healthy family means listening to everybody, but it also means making decisions that aren't always popular.
When your child obeys, is it because they listen to you or is it because they simply feel forced to obey you? Sometimes we need to enforce behaviors through rules and punishment, but we risk raising children who only react to power if that is the primary way we relate to them.
Rules and consequences may be the easy way to make children "behave," but it sure doesn't teach them consent skills. It teaches them that power gets you what you want.
Throughout human history, the process of negotiating consent is a mess. We have a culture of conquistadors who used violence to get what they want. We are changing a violent culture when we give children a choice and a voice. We show them it's not all black and white. In today's world, we need leadership that is not inspired by power but by agreements reached by consent and relationships. Essential for that leadership is taking “No” for an answer and refrain from taking out any frustration we might feel on the speaker. ❤
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